We have just had tax season here in Canada, and like so many things, it sucks! You get your net income up on screen, and think where did all that money go? Then you see the amount you owe, and think where the Heck I am supposed to get that amount from?
I embarked on this year as being the year I pursued my dreams with gusto! It began with sending my novel off to a publisher, sending out shorter pieces to journals, and embarking on my second novel. It all began so well! Then April 30th hit and you think.... where is this going? I sit at my desk at every free moment, all day on Tuesdays and I write... but for what? I have no guarantee anything is going to be published, and if it is, will anyone buy it? Writing is my passion. I have characters and stories in my head all the time, and they push to come out. If I don't let them out I become a very grumpy woman. However, when I have a great writing day, and then look at my bank account I become that grumpy (sometimes terrified) woman anyway.
There are so many hopes and aspirations built up when thinking about a career in writing. Firstly, my dreams are realized. Secondly, my ambition of becoming a uni/college professor also become attainable. These are great visions, and could possibly stabilize my income. But, there is that looming fact, constantly present... what if I don't get published? What if no one likes my writing, and no one invests in my voice? Then what? I end up broke, homeless, and without a career. Sure it's pessimistic, but isn't it also realistic?
Then you have the other end of the scale. I quit. I say to myself "no this is unattainable" and I pack up my stories and stop writing. I fill my days instead with a 'normal'/ non creative job where I can rely on a steady income. Sure I won't follow my dreams, sure I may become depressed, and I probably won't ever make a 'good income', but it will be stable.
Both plans have their pros and their cons, but which is the right one to pursue. It's the age old question of what am I meant to be doing with my life, to write or not to write that is the question?
Without guarantee there is always a risk, and without risk what sort of boring life are you living. I was always brought up with my sister and brother-in-law pushing me to do what I love. I love to write, but when does a dream go too far? How low can a bank account drop before you call it a day?
I have spent the day struggling with this question. I couldn't focus on my current novel, and so I turned to a short story. It's dark. It's crime. It's like nothing I have ever written before... but is that fate/God's way of telling me what to do. Don't panic. The words will always come, and hopefully... someday... so will the pay cheque.
