The Beginning of the End

Back in the UK I had this idea for a short story about a shooting party at a manor house. I wrote during my time at work in the cafe on paper bags and sometimes in a notebook, if I remembered to bring it. It was perhaps 3 pages long when I got married and it got lost. 

Then in January, with New Years Resolutions firmly in place I decided to pick it up again and finish it. Well it grew in length to a novella, and then a bit longer. By March I had realized this could very well be a novel. So I set myself up to reaching 75,000 words. However, life and procrastination got in the way. I formed bad habits: - I would write for a bit and then stop. Then edit what I had written and move it forward a bit more and then stop again. At the start of the summer it had stopped permanently. 

Coming back from our holiday in September I took out my laptop. I had Part 1 and 2, basically half the story. It was not that great and it was far from over, but it was there... waiting. Then life threw me a curveball. I had put all my eggs into the basket of my business and it had failed. Suddenly I had free time, and not much work. That was when TidyBoy told me to write. Now was my chance. The few days a week at my 'main job' would fund writing days, and he believed I had to do it. It was what I dreamed of doing but I always put it off because I felt I had too. Now I just needed to give it a go. See if it worked.

I started by re-editing what I had, making part 1 on its fourth draft (editing for me is a procrastination in itself) and part 2 on its second draft. I finished reading and thought, hey this is alright. Its not brilliant but its ok. That was when my husband set me the 100 Days of Writing challenge. 

Today is Day 15... part 3, 4 and the postscript have been finished. Its in draft one but it is there. Sitting at just over 86,000 words (10,000 over target). 
A real novel!

I haven't finished anything this long.... EVER! I have always wanted to write novels but everything I wrote ended up as short stories or screenplays. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. 

All I know is it is done, and tomorrow we can start the editing process...

Teacher Transitions

I have always struggled with maintaining the "writing zone".  One of my major issues this year has been with keeping myself writing. I have an amazing few days and then I take a day off, and another and then its been like a month since I wrote anything at all! Focus is really not one of my strong suites. My 'day job' has always been something I blamed for breaking the 'flow'. The popular excuse, "Well I did a full day's work today so I'll stick Peaky Blinders on instead!" But there is a direct correlation between the days I don't write anything and the days I spend twice as long getting a few hundred words down. 

The mindset to change this was one of those ridiculously simple ideas that was extremely difficult to implement BUT this weekend was the first successful execution of it. 

I was Gollum... yes you heard me GOLLUM!

Get the picture... I really was talking about the character from Tolkien's books. So what do I mean? 

I mean to get two-faced... sort of...two separate entities living in one body! The Teacher Hannah (Gollum) and the Writer Hannah (Smeagol)! 

When one checks out of work the other one must kick in. 

Now for the hard part... I need to figure out some triggers. Yesterday it was a sweatpants and a cup of sweet tea that brought the words.  Today it was after a hot bath I managed to get a few hundred words completed! 

I am excited to see what happens if I keep this #100daysofWriting as CONTINUOUS days - will the struggle to fill the blank page after a weekend away disappear? Will I finish the book twice as fast?

Let's see shall we?

Doubtful... very Doubtful

Doubt is probably the biggest issue for me when writing. 

I am constantly looking for other things to do because I feel I should be doing them instead of writing. After all, what is writing? Nothing more than a hobby and BOOM there it is. 

The underlying cause of all procrastination. 

It even goes as far as offering more hours at my day job. I say well my shift finishes there, so I have writing time here. But what am I doing using time writing when I could be working and making money? What money can I ever get from writing? BOOM there it is again. 

Complete and utter fear and doubt blocking me at every path.

My husband always gets annoyed at me when we are at an event and meeting new people. We introduce ourselves and I always say, "I'm a teacher". We will then move away from that couple and TidyBoy will tirade me with, "why did you say that?" "Well because I am a teacher." "NO! That's how we pay bills! You are a writer." And my inner voice replies, "yeah right!"

There was one time I did say, "I'm a writer," and the person I said it to almost burst out laughing. "You could try saying it a bit more convincingly!' He said. TidyBoy then informed me that I had practically grimaced and said writer through gritted teeth. 

So what stops me from saying it aloud? What stops me from even saying it in my head?!

There is obviously the fear of failure. When it comes to finding an agent and getting published there are a lot of knock backs, (look at JK Rowling). There is also the doubt that what you write is... well shit! I have 70,454 words down on day 7 of 100 days of writing. What if every single one of them is useless. What if the only person who likes them is my mother... well not my mother because she will definitely have issues with this story's content! (sorry mom). 

Sure I went to Oxford University and studied for a Master in Creative Writing, but what does that mean? It doesn't mean that what I write is good, readable material. It doesn't mean that people will buy it. It doesn't even mean that I will  successfully get an agent. It just means I have a degree. 

What makes you a writer? I think I would feel more comfortable saying it if I had a book deal, but then again I don't know if I will ever be comfortable saying it because its a dream. A lifelong dream and who ever really gets to live out their dream? If you say it aloud it may burst and disappear into a million pieces... right?

Doubt. Doubt has held me back for years and continues to. Doubt also plays a key role in endorsing my procrastination. So how do you ever overcome it? 

... I'll let you know... if it ever happens... if I ever actually write something worthwhile... if...

"You do come across as somewhat... crazy!"

TidyBoy and I are well accustomed to living in Vancouver, BC where buying a house is not an option, and renting is something to stress out about. 

We believe that, (although unfair) we have no right to moan about the situation because... well look at Vancouver... its amazing and we are just lucky enough to be here! 

That aside I am a terrible Craigslist procrastinator. Today for example I wrote 1,243 words and then went onto craigslist for basically an hour and a half looking through properties...oops! 

The above quote comes from my husband, who after finding an amazing listing that had to be enquired about saw me writing a second email to the advert... 

The conversation started with a "I thought you did that already!" and I admitted, in my excitement I hadn't put anything about ourselves, (which the ad asked for). TidyBoy that stood and observed me for a moment before saying, "You have to be careful about these things. At the best of times you come across as somewhat...crazy! The rest of the time you literally are crazy... especially when excited!" 

I am really not offended by what he said. Frankly because it is true! But, when does it become a hinderance? Will these people ever email me back? Only time will tell, but was my overexcitement to blame? Perhaps. 

The bigger question here is: is being someone with a slight exaggeration of the excitement emotion a danger to themselves? Is it a problem being over-excited or is it just endearing? 

Anyway... this was my allowed 'writing' procrastination I will get back to my novel now! 

Day 6 of 100 Days of Writing 

(I was allowed to move the start day back due to my increase in writing at the beginning of last week!)

Newlywed No More

This seems really odd to be back blogging. I haven't done so since just after my marriage to TidyBoy... which is going really well, in case you were wondering! 

Since my last blog we have emigrated back to my home of Vancouver and I have started a business. Those are the formal things... the informal things are little more drastic. My designer wear has mostly been replaced by athletics gear and my heels with walking boots. Its strange to say but this summer I spent the majority of my free time cycling, hiking, kayaking and paddle boarding... what! A good friend said it best when we visited her on Bowen Island during the summer, "What has happened! I was looking for someone in a designer dress and stilettos!" (I was in lululemons and hiking boots). 

Being back in Vancouver has been amazing. This city is the be all and end all of beauty. On a bad day just breathing the air and seeing a mountain peeking out from behind a cloud is enough to clear every doubt you ever had. We are so incredibly happy here and life is going great. My hubby has taken to the West Coast Life exceedingly well, in fact I have been running to catch up with him! My brother-in-law was visiting to him this week and after a discussion on how our summer went he commented, 

"Wow you are so West Coast. You're one step away from wearing Hemp clothing," to which I informed him I had taken that step and my favourite summer t-shirt was hemp! 

We have been doing our upmost to explore every nook and cranny of BC and we are loving it, and the mischief we are getting into doing it...so far... BC is a big province!

When we are not exploring TidyBoy and I are set free on the minds of children, as our day jobs are in the field of "artistic academia"... music and drama teachers! 

In amongst our day jobs I have also started a business.  Imagine That! Tuition 

- I call it a Creative Arts School! -

Our workshops teach creative writing and drama with kids creating their own characters and plots over a semester and performing it for their sometimes baffled parents on the final day! 

It is the best job in the world. Watching these kids imaginations take flight before me is a one of a kind experience and I love it. 

Other than that I think everything is still the same as it always was... who am I kidding nothing is the same as it was, (except my bookish tendencies. Our latest vacation I managed to consume 2 magazines and 2 novels of 500+ pages and a non-fiction book on orcas in 10 days!) 

Life, as it always does has thrown me a curveball and I felt it was the right time to pick up the pen, or the keyboard to be more specific. I suddenly find myself after two years of not writing 15,000 words from finishing my first novel and it is terrifying. Not only that but my schedule has opened itself up to let me pursue writing as a more permanent position. 

Every time I open the laptop and click on THE document my mind fills with doubt, and contention. Am I wasting my time? How do I even know if I am any good? Isn't there better things to do than practicing my hobby? What do I hope to achieve? What will I do when it all fails? What right do I even have to try and be a writer? 

But TidyBoy is always there with a suggestion/bribe, (which is probably why I married him),

"Take it one day at a time... and if you make it to 100 days of writing I will buy you an iwatch"

Here goes nothing... 100 days of writing!