Doubtful... very Doubtful

Doubt is probably the biggest issue for me when writing. 

I am constantly looking for other things to do because I feel I should be doing them instead of writing. After all, what is writing? Nothing more than a hobby and BOOM there it is. 

The underlying cause of all procrastination. 

It even goes as far as offering more hours at my day job. I say well my shift finishes there, so I have writing time here. But what am I doing using time writing when I could be working and making money? What money can I ever get from writing? BOOM there it is again. 

Complete and utter fear and doubt blocking me at every path.

My husband always gets annoyed at me when we are at an event and meeting new people. We introduce ourselves and I always say, "I'm a teacher". We will then move away from that couple and TidyBoy will tirade me with, "why did you say that?" "Well because I am a teacher." "NO! That's how we pay bills! You are a writer." And my inner voice replies, "yeah right!"

There was one time I did say, "I'm a writer," and the person I said it to almost burst out laughing. "You could try saying it a bit more convincingly!' He said. TidyBoy then informed me that I had practically grimaced and said writer through gritted teeth. 

So what stops me from saying it aloud? What stops me from even saying it in my head?!

There is obviously the fear of failure. When it comes to finding an agent and getting published there are a lot of knock backs, (look at JK Rowling). There is also the doubt that what you write is... well shit! I have 70,454 words down on day 7 of 100 days of writing. What if every single one of them is useless. What if the only person who likes them is my mother... well not my mother because she will definitely have issues with this story's content! (sorry mom). 

Sure I went to Oxford University and studied for a Master in Creative Writing, but what does that mean? It doesn't mean that what I write is good, readable material. It doesn't mean that people will buy it. It doesn't even mean that I will  successfully get an agent. It just means I have a degree. 

What makes you a writer? I think I would feel more comfortable saying it if I had a book deal, but then again I don't know if I will ever be comfortable saying it because its a dream. A lifelong dream and who ever really gets to live out their dream? If you say it aloud it may burst and disappear into a million pieces... right?

Doubt. Doubt has held me back for years and continues to. Doubt also plays a key role in endorsing my procrastination. So how do you ever overcome it? 

... I'll let you know... if it ever happens... if I ever actually write something worthwhile... if...